Karmic Relationship Release
My heart hurts something fierce this morning. I woke up to a few lovely birthday messages and a lovely response from someone I have positive feelings for, which ironically made my heart burst into what I hope to be the final release of all the negative karmic relationships I have cordially invited into my life. As I reflect, this year has been filled with saying many goodbyes to past relationships to make room for new more evolved, positive, spiritual people, and over the last few months some of that new space was reoccupied by past relationships with people that I have both fond and not so fond feelings for. I made a very conscious decision to allow myself to explore this space for a few reasons, one, to see what I see differently now as a growth meter of sorts, and two, to take note for continued personal growth! Boom, done, simple right! In my mind there were only a few things that could happen, we reconnect as if no time had passed and everything is cool, or, I see why we fell off, take those lessons, and apply them toward my continued spiritual and emotional growth; boom, done, simple right!
In my logical mind, it all seemed so logical, but my logical mind forgot all about my heart, and now, my heart is telling my logical mind all about the pain and suffering, as the aftermath of having a logical mind. My logical mind is stoic, she is incredibly rational, meticulous, perfectionistic, organized, reliable, pragmatic, precise, effective, decisive, detailed, and ultimately I trust my logical mind! I always move forward with my logical mind in the lead. Not many people can out logic me as I am a fierce competitor when it comes to establishing solutions, processes, and paths forward! However, in this situation, my logical mind truly believed that the left side of my brain would prevent the right side from having my heart in the race, and today my number 1, my logical mind, is a sore loser.
My heart is currently in first place. The rigorous training my heart has endured from always being in second place to my logical mind has over filled my heart with buff-ness and courage, and so it overflowith and is going for gold. As my heart crosses the finish line it collapses in a state of arrest only to gaze up at the sky as it spins around representing the breath I need, that seems so elusive but is replenishing my cells regardless. My heart is telling me it cannot endure being in the shadows any longer and must be in the lead to stay full, as a heart full of love won’t allow room for imposters.
Even with all my logic, my heart tends to be easily accessible, which I try to hide from the imposters, but they all seem to have a sixth sense about my half full hungry heart. They seem to know that I am a hopeless romantic who is totally in love with love. I dream of sharing hearts, of loving so deeply that our pasts just become the magic tapestry transporting us into the boundless future of togetherness that mends our flaws into colorfully entwined threads creating a wildly beautiful scene for all to see and recognize as a beautiful piece of artistry that is simply meant to be, and expertly curated. Even my logical mind thinks my hearts fantasy is possible! My logical mind is able to rationalize my romanticism, my dreams, and allows my heart rationed freedom.
Recently my rational mind overruled my heart. My heart knew it was not ready, that she was not full enough to fend off another imposter, but logic ruled, because logic wanted the lesson, and now my heart is taking the brunt of my faulty logic leading to my question of why don’t I trust my heart? When it comes to matters of the heart my logic doesn’t work, but my heart does, yet I continue to abide by my logic. And here inlays the lesson, to listen to and trust your heart! Boom, simple, done, is the only real fantasy here.
In uncovering my personal self-trust issues, I was called to acknowledge my inner child. Fuck me, shit is so deep up in here I can hardly take it, and that says a lot! I am making myself fidget I am so uncomfortable! Thanks to a very special COVID transmission, I can spend all the alone time I need to work through this shit storm and share it will the masses! I love sharing, sharing is caring, and my inner child drives my sharing is caring-ness because she didn’t get the sharing and caring she needed as a child. Isn’t that special! It is especially prominent in my relationships with men, given my father shared his sperm with my mother and then forgot to share the care until I pushed the issue and turned flat out abandonment into here I am weather you like it or not so love me daddy, and make me always have to work for it, earn it, and show you how much I deserve it! Please daddy, just see me and show me that I am worthy of your love and adoration. My inner little girl creates havoc between my heart and logical mind, while my father in heaven is no doubt watching aloofly as I flail around in my feelings, but don’t get me wrong, we did develop a loving relationship, and he certainly recognized me as his daughter. Meanwhile I pushed my mother away to gain the attention of my father, I digress!
Now, how the karmic relationships tie into my early attachment issues, the real star of the show! My logical mind smothered my heart and let someone from my past, who years ago, used charm and charisma to conquer my interest, back, into my realm of intentions and thoughts, only for the pattern to repeat itself. I saw the same charm, I felt the same attraction, only this time I dreamt he had matured, developed communication skills, and embodied a deeper level of decency and respect for women and “friends”, because that’s what we do, we grow up right?!?! Or maybe not everyone looks in the mirror in search of personal growth?! Remember that, once and for all!
Just like the first go around, he captured my interest, capitalized, seemingly used it for some sort of ego stroke, took what he needed, and discarded anything not directly related to his feelings, or lack thereof, his needs, or lack thereof, and his satisfaction; so basically he discarded my feelings and humanity toward him as if they were pure trash. He propped me up, took me off the shelf, played with me for a second, dropped me on the floor, never came back to appologize, straighten my dress, brush me off, or put me back on the shelf. He just left me lying there without acknowledging my feelings or explainion of his changes in behavior toward me! Hot, cold, push, pull! And just like the first time, I failed to see his reality of treating women he has connected on an intimate level with, as less than, and made him into something he just isn’t; a man with respect, feelings, and empathy toward me! It hurts and has made my heart heavy. My confident adult self is taking a walk down abandoned little girl lane.
Ironic that such an empty connection is what pulled my trigger; the true essence of karmic relationships; empty feelings masked as alterior motives that hit all the wounds just right, provoking a next level emotional release, akin to the most next level orgasm, leaving you to bask in next level euphoria or confusion, allowing you to roll over, sigh or cry, and move forward in life with a little extra pep in your step, a little more twinkle in your eye, and some fresh pheromones! That is, once you peel back the onion, and see it for what it is or isn't!
My logical mind and heart over the last year have taken a new approach to my relationships with men and how I go about developing intimacy. No sex is the first rule, but now I see that is not even the crux of my issues. By opening my heart compassionately, and wanting to nurture and be nurtured emotionally, I invited an imposter to pollute my selfless and healing intentions. All I wanted was a safe place in a man’s arms, next to a man’s warmth, to be wounded but on the mend, a place where we could trust, “be” ourselves without judgement, to restore and replace negative emotions with hope and care. Naive of me for assuming another wounded soul would obviously want the same or even understand such personal notions in the first place. My wounded little girl took over my heart and my logical mind with this one. I made up an entire fantasy based in a doll house where Ken and Barbie lived, to accommodate my lustful desire for connection and intimacy. With sex off the table, I assumed my emotions were as well. Boom, not so simple.
Today I sit here humbled by my idealist fantasies surrounding unrequited love, understanding, friendships, and my inner child, who has never stopped searching for the right kind of attention, compassion and understanding! I never imagined I would be brought to my knees this way. I spent this year on an amazing path of self-love and I have to believe that this solar return is the catalyst. I have been cleansing in every sense of the word, and today, on the day of my birth some 46 years ago, its guts have exploded all over my soul. Without toxic people I would never have the chance to see the light, and without healed people I would never have the chance to join them. They say hurt people hurt people, while healed people heal people! I am a safe place and a healer through and through. Hurt me, ok, but I refuse to hurt you back! Everytime you hurt someone you are hurting yourself more. I can only lick my wounds, accept and grow from the pain while sending him thoughts of compassion and forgivness.
The lesson: acknowledge and satisfy the needs of my wounded inner child, here, in reality, where my heart and logical mind are balanced and in support of one another.
Change is painful but so satisfying, like a three-day shit, so, cheers to another year of growth, getting naked and bumping uglies in the most spiritual of ways! Sharing is caring, remember that!
